I thought it might be nice to switch it up a little and write about something I actually do find helpful. You know, keep you all guessing. Don’t worry, just because it’s something I like doesn’t mean my commentary will be any less entertaining. At least that’s the hope. Okay, enough set-up already.
The first actually Helpful topic featured on The Opposite of Helpful is…drum roll please…
Child Leash/Backpacks!
When I was younger, if a child was tethered to an adult, it was with a straight up leash. No disguise here. I guess these days, all the hovering helicopter parents want to give their young children the illusion of freedom while at the same time retaining all control. Hence, camouflaging the leash as the tail of a cute monkey/puppy/lion/etc. backpack.
Now, I’m not here to say anything about how parents should raise their children. I like to think I’d be able to keep my kids near me in large crowds and open areas without them getting separated or snatched. But, I do know that some kids are easily distracted, and sometimes you don’t even know they’ve wandered off until you hear “Will the parents of [it’s one of my two brothers, I’ll let you guess which] please come to the lost and found to pick him up?” over an amusement park’s loudspeakers.
What I love about the leash/backpack marketing is that in the cheesiest way possible, it emphasizes three main themes: Cuteness, Safety, and Exploration. Here are some prime examples:
“At last, a cute way to keep your toddlers safe!”
“…was looking for a safe, cute, functional and economical, but secure safety device to keep her baby close and safe. At the same time, she wanted to give him the space he needed to explore his environment.” (That’s quite a lot of requirements.)
(This one is my favorite, especially the part in bold text) “Our child harness is a great innovation. It combines the safety of a child harness plus the revolutionary idea of a friendly and non-offensive cute animal doll and toddler backpack.”
Thoughts:
- Do parents need to keep their kids safe in a cute way? What if they just keep them safe in a neutral way?
- Isn’t redundant to say “secure safety device”?
- Ha ha ha, a “non-offensive cute animal doll.” As if the manufacturers planned to embroider “I’m an annoying piece of s**t, I tend to run off and get lost” on the backpack, or pick an ugly animal
- Is it so difficult to keep your kids close to you the old-fashioned way (i.e., stroller, holding hand, carrying, threaten them that if they don’t they’ll lose all their privileges, etc.)?
My favorite thing I found while I was looking at various child leash/backpacks was the review from a parent who had recently purchased one for her son:
“This harness is really cute….which is why I snatched it up without thinking…… but the tether is too short and I think it will be way too hot to wear in warm weather. Plus, you can’t fit a lot into the backpack. Why would you anyway? It would just make it heavy for the baby. My son hates it. I’m looking for a simple harness with a flexible or retractable tether.” (I’m sure one of my dog-owning friends has one for you.)
Another review revealed a design flaw in some of the backpacks – they buckle in the front. A child can escape this just as easily as a stroller or any other front buckling harness, rendering it virtually useless. Hmm, now that I think about it, maybe child leash/ backpacks are not so helpful at all…
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