Turn Signals, in Los Angeles

In reflecting back on all the things I’ve written about since the inception of my blog, I noticed that car, driving, and traffic-related topics come up most frequently. In fact, including this posting, 7 out of 23 are about this category – parking lots, lookie-loos, crosswalk signals, speed bumps, convertibles, car alarms, and now turn signals. Although to be fair, 2 of the 7 were write-in topics, both from native Angelenos no less. So the moral of the story is, I hate cars, driving, and traffic, and need to move to a city with an extensive public transit system or more predictable traffic patterns as soon as possible. Any suggestions?

Typically, turn signals are supposed to be helpful. They alert the drivers around you that you would like to turn or change lanes. Now, in normal places, when the drivers around you notice that you have put your blinker on, they slow down and make room for you in front of them. But not in Los Angeles. Oh no.

In Los Angeles, always gotta be doing things differently here, in Los Angeles turn signals mean “drive right next to you and/or speed up and block you from changing lanes.” This is most irritating on the freeway when another vehicle prevents you from making your freeway exit. Then all gloves are off, and you can ram them with your car if you’d like, because chances are they don’t have insurance anyway and you can just say you don’t know how your car got to be this way someone must have hit it in a parking lot. Not that I’ve done this before. Or ever thought about it.

Did I mention it’ll take $4-10 billion to extend the underground system in LA from mid-Wilshire to Culver City? For a distance of like, 3 miles or something.

So let’s take a look at some of my options… it’s a no to New York and New Jersey, although 9 out of 10 of Forbes’ Top 10 Cities with Public Transportation are in one of these two states. I hear BART/Muni in the Bay Area is nice… and I like DC… I’ve never been to Denver but it leads the US News & World Report’s list… the traffic patterns in San Diego are consistent and are avoidable… where else?

Car alarms (courtesy of Sue Jean Woodmansee)

I received this suggestion via Facebook chat (something I’m only able to check when I look at Facebook on my computer, which is not as often as on my smartphone), and I’ve highlighted my favorite part:

shann- i read your blog regularly (it's subscribed in my google reader) and it always cracks me up. a couple of days ago a parked car on my street was honking for hours because of an erroneously triggered car alarm. which got me to thinking - what is the point of a car alarm? they have become such a regular nuisance that they no longer alert the public to car theft. your blog mentioned write-in topics, so, well, there ya go.

Okay, so the highlighted part is off-topic… let’s get to talking about car alarms. Suej pretty much covered why car alarms are the opposite of helpful, so let’s listen to Dane Cook’s famed car alarm sketch: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EUs1mR5vreQ

I know a lot of people don’t like him (I don’t even like him, this is the only sketch of his I can recall), but you have to give credit where credit is due. “It makes you want to punch a baby.” Hehehe, I can’t think of a better way to describe the rage induced by a never-ending car alarm. I would add, “especially a baby crying on an airplane,” but I digress.

Also, the lyrics of his song are so fun to follow along with, I’m smiling even now.

Helloooooooooo

I’m a caaaaaaaaaar

Gas-o-line makes me run

Seeeat beeelts

Truuunk spaaace

Helloooooooooo

Let’s go for a riiiiiiiiiide

Oil is my blood

Frooont seeeat

Raaadio Knooobs

And you can’t beat smiling on a Hump-day. J Thanks Suej, for making us all smile this Hump-day Wednesday, and for anyone else with a write-in topic, send it my way!

PS - don't forget to follow me on Twitter! Username not_helpful

Convertibles

Now, I know that the only people who will agree with me are 70+ years old (because I am an old lady in a young lady’s body), but I believe the automobile’s only purpose is to get a person comfortably from here to there in a reasonable amount of time. Which is why I seriously dislike and would never ever own a convertible. To repurpose a line from Elizabeth Barrett Browning’s poem:

Convertibles, how do I detest thee? Let me count the ways…

1.    They are windy, which messes up my hair.

2.    They are loud, so I cannot have a decent conversation with the other passengers.

3.    I can get sunburned if I am driving a long distance.

4.    I am directly breathing in polluted air – exhaust from buses, etc.

5.    They are more expensive to make than closed cars, which makes them cost more.

6.    In many cases, the retractable roof takes away from trunk space.

7.    They are dangerous – if I get in an accident and roll my car, my head is the first thing to hit the ground. And then I die.

Wow, I really do sound like an old lady. But in my opinion, better that than a crushed head! Crushed head, not so helpful…

[REDACTED] Retractable Dog Leashes

Sometimes your dog wants to do its business a little farther away from you than a regular leash allows. Can’t blame ‘em!

Once they’ve done their business though, if they're still on a walk, I do think owners should bring the leash back in to a standard length, for the reasons mentioned in my previous post.

Opposite Day - The Embodiment of Helpful

I thought it might be nice to switch it up a little and write about something I actually do find helpful. You know, keep you all guessing. Don’t worry, just because it’s something I like doesn’t mean my commentary will be any less entertaining. At least that’s the hope. Okay, enough set-up already.

The first actually Helpful topic featured on The Opposite of Helpful is…drum roll please…

Child Leash/Backpacks!

When I was younger, if a child was tethered to an adult, it was with a straight up leash. No disguise here. I guess these days, all the hovering helicopter parents want to give their young children the illusion of freedom while at the same time retaining all control. Hence, camouflaging the leash as the tail of a cute monkey/puppy/lion/etc. backpack.

Now, I’m not here to say anything about how parents should raise their children. I like to think I’d be able to keep my kids near me in large crowds and open areas without them getting separated or snatched. But, I do know that some kids are easily distracted, and sometimes you don’t even know they’ve wandered off until you hear “Will the parents of [it’s one of my two brothers, I’ll let you guess which] please come to the lost and found to pick him up?” over an amusement park’s loudspeakers.

What I love about the leash/backpack marketing is that in the cheesiest way possible, it emphasizes three main themes: Cuteness, Safety, and Exploration. Here are some prime examples:

“At last, a cute way to keep your toddlers safe!”

“…was looking for a safe, cute, functional and economical, but secure safety device to keep her baby close and safe. At the same time, she wanted to give him the space he needed to explore his environment.” (That’s quite a lot of requirements.)

(This one is my favorite, especially the part in bold text) “Our child harness is a great innovation. It combines the safety of a child harness plus the revolutionary idea of a friendly and non-offensive cute animal doll and toddler backpack.”

Thoughts:

-       Do parents need to keep their kids safe in a cute way? What if they just keep them safe in a neutral way?

-       Isn’t redundant to say “secure safety device”?

-       Ha ha ha, a “non-offensive cute animal doll.” As if the manufacturers planned to embroider “I’m an annoying piece of s**t, I tend to run off and get lost” on the backpack, or pick an ugly animal

-       Is it so difficult to keep your kids close to you the old-fashioned way (i.e., stroller, holding hand, carrying, threaten them that if they don’t they’ll lose all their privileges, etc.)?

My favorite thing I found while I was looking at various child leash/backpacks was the review from a parent who had recently purchased one for her son:

“This harness is really cute….which is why I snatched it up without thinking…… but the tether is too short and I think it will be way too hot to wear in warm weather. Plus, you can’t fit a lot into the backpack. Why would you anyway? It would just make it heavy for the baby. My son hates it. I’m looking for a simple harness with a flexible or retractable tether.” (I’m sure one of my dog-owning friends has one for you.)

Another review revealed a design flaw in some of the backpacks – they buckle in the front. A child can escape this just as easily as a stroller or any other front buckling harness, rendering it virtually useless. Hmm, now that I think about it, maybe child leash/ backpacks are not so helpful at all…

Speed Bumps in Parking Lots (courtesy of Annie Wands)

As soon as my dear friend Annie Wands brought this topic to my attention, it was clear that speed bumps in parking lots immediately needed to be written about in my blog. Rather than summarize the conversation, I am posting our IM exchange in its unadulterated form, lest any of the hilarity of Ms. Wands’ anecdote get lost in translation:

 Annie Wands 11:48 am

    oh I had one for you
    I forgot it
    oh it was about speed bumps in parking lots
    because if you are actually going slow

 Shannon Knock 11:48 am
    haha that's a good one

 Annie Wands 11:48 am
    they stop you and you end up having to use more gas going over them

 Shannon Knock 11:48 am
    I'm totally going to add that

 Annie Wands 11:48 am
    than if you just rolled at a normal slow speed

 Shannon Knock 11:49 am
    hehehe I like it!

 Annie Wands 11:49 am
    I was leaving trader joe’s yesterday
    and they have some at the exit right before you hit the sidewalk
    and I had to gas it and almost hit a pedestrian

 Shannon Knock 11:49 am
    oh no!

 Annie Wands 11:50 am
    I mean I am being dramatic
    but I could have if they were a foot or two closer

LOVE IT. Write in topics always welcome! :)

Facebook (and really, online social networks in general)

Yes, I appreciate the irony in posting a link of my rant about Facebook on Facebook, but I am willing to accept your name-calling (hypocrite comes to mind) if you’ll openly consider my arguments:

Effect on Interpersonal Relationships

This is the one that bothers me most, as paradoxically, Facebook enables more frequent communication with more people. But I contend, what is the quality of these exchanges? By replacing face-to-face interaction with screen-to-screen, Facebook has essentially isolated each of its account holders behind a smartphone, tablet or laptop. However, these advances in technology have far outpaced our evolution, evidenced in part by the fact that rates of depression related to loneliness in the United States have never been higher. Contrast this with the “primitive” culture of Africa’s Maasai - while they may live in huts made out of cow dung and hay, they also have virtually no mental illness (or cancer, also amazing). Now, while I’d have a hard time trading in my “incredibly luxurious” one bedroom apartment (which doesn’t have a dishwasher, I might add) for a cow pie palace, if it meant that I wouldn’t get mental illness or cancer, if I meant that I could both rely on and contribute to the tribe, now those aspects of communal life are attractive regardless of which continent you call home.

Facebook also offers the (false) impression that you are keeping up-to-date with your friends and other people in your life. While this is true on some level, the information that you learn about people on Facebook tends to be inconsequential, and/or only a small sliver of their life’s highlights. Sadly, this phenomenon prevents people from getting together in person. Never was this more apparent to me at my 10-year high school reunion this past August. Out of a graduating class of over 500 students, I would say there were only 80-90 attendees at the reunion (not including spouses, etc). At a school where gossip was (and still is, you don’t ever really escape “The Ranch”) practically its own varsity sport, this was an incredibly disappointing turnout. And the reason I heard from everyone I spoke with who didn’t attend was “I already stay in touch with the people I care about. And for everyone else, there’s Facebook.” It’ll be interesting to see how the reunion business fares over the next 10-20 years, my bets are not favorable.

Effect on Manners

I can’t even count the number of times where I’ve seen an entire group of people standing or sitting together, with each person scrolling through their smartphone. I find this to be incredibly rude – that someone would think we were actually having a dialogue with one another while he or she perused over Facebook on a smartphone. Here we revisit the idea above, that in-person interaction should trump electronic. But if your behavior belies your words, remind me why we’re hanging out again?

Effect on Communication

Using the abbreviated versions of words in e-mails, texting, and other short form communications has led to poor spelling, poor grammar, and an overall blasé attitude toward the English language in the United States. Facebook, and particularly its status update, only reinforces this. Some common errors include:

-       Misspellings – what’s wrong with this picture: Cemetary, Definately, Occurence, Priviledge. If nothing looks wierd to you, you might want to re-take third grade   

-       Wrong homophones – whether it’s for/fore/four, there/their/they’re, or to/too/two, each of these words mean something different even though they sound the same

-       Acronyms – although entire conversations can be had using this shorthand, it doesn’t make it right

o   Person A: “BRB”

o   Person B: “OMG! WTF!”

o   Person A: “2 BZ 4 U”

o   Person A: “J/K!”

o   Person B: “LOL”

In the same way that some parents send their children to French or Spanish Immersion schools (where they learn a second language in addition to English), are we going to get so casual in our use of the English language that the need will arise for Proper English Language Immersion schools? Someone please tell me the answer is no (and don’t just type N).

Effect on Reality

With services such as Foursquare, Yelp, and Facebook’s Check In, it is easy to reveal your physical location on the Web. Whether posting about the exotic city you’re visiting or the new gastropub down the street, you’re again presenting yourself as a certain type of person – basically bragging about how cool you are based on where you eat, drink and travel. In a sense then, is checking in better than actually going there and being there? Okay, maybe I’m being a little dramatic, but why are we all staring at tiny screens when we could be taking in everything that is in front of us?

Effect on Privacy

The issue of privacy can be approached both from the outside in, as well as the inside out.

-       Outside in: social networking site updates permissions on what can and can’t be shared (usually resulting in more information being shared than less). Then half of my newsfeed is filled with people yelling at me in all caps telling me to GO TO ACCOUNTS THEN SETTINGS THEN SELECT… AND RE-POST THIS AS YOUR STATUS IF YOU WANT YOUR FRIENDS TO PROTECT THEMSELVES TOO!!!!!

-       Inside out: Is anything sacred anymore? People will pretty much post anything on Facebook. One of the most awkward I know about was a friend of a friend who regularly posted about his cheating wife and subsequent divorce. Um, isn’t this something you want to keep behind closed doors? Guess not.

o   I read an amazing book over the summer called Look at Me by Jennifer Egan. Definitely check it out if you interested in this subject, it presents a very interesting perspective on identity and reality in contemporary American culture, with social networks playing a large part.

Effect on Productivity

Among people who belong to social networks, one-third of the total time they spend on the Internet can be attributed to social networking activities. And, I would argue, the majority if not all of that time is spent on leisurely or recreational pursuits (i.e., looking at photos from a friend’s recent trip to Tanzania rather than updating a LinkedIn profile). Whether it’s getting involved in too many sites, visiting said sites too frequently, or reading every Tweet/post/status update since the last time you visited, hours and hours of time is wasted on inconsequential activities.

What is the takeaway from all this? I’m not really sure. But I do know that I want to actually experience my life rather than read about it on Facebook.

Farewell to a Fellow Grump

I just watched this past Sunday’s 60 Minutes segment about Andy Rooney, and it totally bummed me out! Not because he’s leaving the show, but because I thought I had an exclusive on the whole “write a funny and honest opinion piece about something puzzling/incorrect/unfair” bit. I mean, he did a segment about the cotton in pill bottles! I totally wrote that down on my potential topics list, but then decided against it because I think the cotton is to prevent the pills from breaking.

My favorite part of the entire interview was Rooney’s response to Safer’s question about not answering fan mail: “Who would want to answer an idiot who had the bad sense to write me a letter? It’s a certain kind of person who writes you, and they’re not my kind of people usually.” Even though you’ve gotten increasingly batty and disorganized over the years, for this comment alone, I love you Andy Rooney.

And don’t you worry sir, I’m not going to stop writing critical perspectives any time soon. I’ll carry the torch for us curmudgeons, and you keep rocking those crazy-ass eyebrows.

Retractable Dog Leashes

Now, I’m sure I’ll get angry feedback from all my dog-owning friends, and I would actually like to hear their defense of this product if they use it, but I see no point in retractable dog leashes. According to Merriam-Webster, the primary purpose for using a leash is to restrain your animal (see below), and retractable dog leashes allow the opposite.

Merriam-Webster: Definition of Leash

1a) a line for leading or restraining an animal

1b) something that restrains; the state of being restrained

In perusing the Internet for retractable dog leashes, I found that leashes of up to 26 feet can be purchased. Seriously? 26 feet? Why even bother putting your dog on a leash? Not only is “retractable leash” oxymoronic, in my opinion it is also dangerous. If you’re allowing your dog to walk 26 feet ahead of you, it is possible for them to dash into traffic without you being able to stop them. Or, if your dog is short-tempered, you won’t be able to prevent him or her from nipping at a dog or person coming from the opposite direction.

Excluding retractable dog leashes, exercising your dog is still incredibly simple:

-       If you’re taking your dog on a walk, use a regular leash

-       If your dog needs freedom, take him or her to the dog park and let them run around

 This two-part arrangement keeps you, your dog, and the people in your community safe, and makes far more sense than a retractable dog leash. So trade in your retractable dog leash today!